WARNING: This blog post contains some potty language. You’ve been fucking warned.
The holidays is a time to bring cheer and good will to your fellow man. You know, be nicer to other people, more charitable. I don’t need the notion of a holiday season to remind me to be nice to my fellow human being. Common courtesy and decency go a long way.
But sometimes common courtesy and decency are tossed out the window by a hardcore group of douchecanoes hellbent on whipping out their proverbial dicks and pissing all over everywhere. Some people have an amazing capacity for assholitude, no matter what.
So, in the spirit of Christmas, I’d like to spread a nice holiday Fuck You! to some assholes being Mega-Assholes.
Stories of customers getting bent over and mercilessly sodomized by Best Buy are legion. From blue-shirted customer service flunkies who can’t tell you the difference between a 120MhZ and 240MhZ refresh rate on a 60″ flat-screen television to store managers who simply can’t be bothered to deal with your petty shit – like a malfunctioning laptop under warranty, for example – inevitably Best Buy customers will feel the sting of terrible customer service.
I was spared a bad customer service experience. Until last week.
I took my iPhone in to Best Buy for servicing, since it’s been acting very weird lately. Lots of crashing for no apparent reason. It’s where I’d purchased it less than a year ago, and it’s still under warranty. At least that’s what I was led to believe. When I purchased the phone, I was told I had an extended warranty to go along with the manufacturer’s one-year warranty. Well, come to find out from the shifty-eyed weasels at the Geek Squad counter – and, by the way, Geek Squad are notorious for their incompetency – that the so-called “extended warranty” wasn’t a warranty, but a trade-in offer: if the phone were to go bad, I could trade it in for another phone, but not another iPhone.
Nor would they honor the manufacturer’s warranty. As far as they were concerned, yeah, they know my phone’s acting all fucked, but that’s not their problem. They got my money, but it’s Apple’s problem now.
This was bullshit, and they knew it. Basically they were trying to talk me into buying a new phone.
I took my phone to the Apple Store at the mall. They ran some diagnostics, confirmed the phone is still under warranty, and replaced it with a new iPhone 5, no questions asked. That, my friends, is customer service.
You’ll have a worst cry at Best Buy.
Asshole #2 – The Petty and Overly-Aggressive Guest at the Christmas Party
Let’s face it: Christmas parties bring the asshole out in people. And you don’t need spiked eggnog to bring the asshole; the asshole just comes out naturally.
My wife and I attend her office Christmas party each year, always held at the team leader’s home. The highlight of the party is the gift exchange. It’s not your run-of-the-mill gift exchange, but more of a cutthroat version of Who Can Swindle Who. The Cutthroat Version of the Gift Exchange is simple: everyone brings a gift, and when it comes time to indulge in crass shrieking and braying like horny goats over some scented candles no one wants – and will likely re-gift to a relative they really fucking dislike – each participant draws a number to see who picks first. The first contestant picks one wrapped gift. Each contestant thereafter can choose to pick a wrapped gift, or steal an unwrapped gift. Best part of this game of Christmas Nut-Punch? Even if the gift’s been stolen, it can be stolen AGAIN!!! A gift can be stolen up to three times before it’s taken out of circulation and no longer part of the game. If a contestant has their gift stolen, they then have the chance to either pick an unopened gift or steal an opened present.
Jaime got to pick early, and I spotted something I thought might make a good gift. Good eye: it turned out to be a stuffed teddy bear, all Christmas-themed and shit. We both knew our daughter would love this teddy bear. Shit, we thought this loud enough for everyone at the party to hear.
This did not sit well with one of the guests, the wife of one of the retirees invited to the party. She was eyeing that teddy bear with the same kind of unbridled lust teenaged boys ogle their dads’ stash of nudie magazines. Counter that with some serious daggers she was throwing at Jaime. Careful, I said to Jaime, nudging her, she’s lusting over that bear like a fat kid lusting over an open box of fresh Krispy Kreme donuts.
The old bitch stole the bear once, but we reclaimed it after a smart bit of tactical manuvering on my part: I instructed Jaime to steal a package of gourmet peanuts and the accompanying $25 barbeque coupon, knowing that gift would be stolen from our hands pretty quickly. Lo and behold, it was, and we swiped the teddy bear back. But now that meant the teddy was stolen twice; a third time, and it would belong to whoever stole it last, no takebacks.
Now the old bitch is playing dirty. She’s loudly moaning at how much she wants to give the teddy bear to their granddaughter, and please please please wah wah fucking wah…She and her husband get a gift stolen.
“Well, I have no choice,” she says, giving Jaime an eat-shit-and-die-you-stupid-twat look as she steals the teddy bear one last time. Adding insult to injury, she gloats. “My granddaughter will love this!” she shouts.
Fuck your granddaughter. Jaime’s furious, although she’s not showing it.
The party ends, and as we’re saying our goodbyes, a few of the revelers expressed their displeasure at Grandma’s petty shenanigans.
“That’s okay, karma’s a bitch,” I said. “The best thing that could happen is that her granddaughter hates the gift. Even better is that the granddaughter hates her grandmother.”
This got a big laugh.
But seriously, choke on that fucking bear, bitch. And fuck you for using your granddaughter as a pawn, you petty shitmouth.
Asshole #3 – NC State Senator Bob Rucho
You know, it’s a funny thing, freedom of speech. Our right to freely voice an opinion without persecution is protected by the Constitution. Too bad there isn’t a right to protect us from stupid people voicing ignorant, inflammatory opinions, especially via Twitter.
Take what this douchenozzle, NC State Senator Bob Rucho, tweeted the other morning:
Those of us who follow NC politics, like myself, have to suffer brain-dead imbeciles like Rucho, who makes no bones about his intense dislike for both President Obama and Obamacare. Fine, he’s not the only one. But when you begin to compare Obamacare – and Chief Justice John Roberts of the Supreme Court – to the atrocities committed by the Nazis, the Soviets, and terrorists combined, not only are you losing credibility as a politician – he didn’t have much to begin with – but he’s exposed himself as an ignorant, hateful cunt. Yeah, cunt.
Let’s do the fucking math here: the Nazis killed millions. The Soviets, under the rules of Lenin and Stalin, murdered millions. Terrorist groups have killed hundreds of thousands, if not millions. Obamacare has not killed one single person.
Look, I get that with a large segment of this society, Obamacare is about as popular as a herpes outbreak at a swingers’ convention. Comparing Obamacare to the mass slaughter of Jews isn’t just ridiculous, it’s insulting, and it demonstrates an amazing lack of historical understanding, not to mention a lack of compassion for those who have indeed suffered under truly totalitarian standards. And it angers me greatly that we live in a country where not only are people in Bob Rucho’s position are allowed to voice inflammatory and hateful rhetoric, they’re allowed to get away with it. Rucho has defiantly refused to apologize, and he won’t be censured for his comments. Rucho will hide behind the Constitution and crassly boast that it’s his right to call Obama a Nazi and compare his policies to that of Hitler or Stalin or other dictatorial mass murderers.
The truth is, Bob Rucho is a brainless, festering anal sore on the ass of our society, and the sooner we lance ass cancers like him, the better off we’ll be without oozing anal sores like him in positions of power.
So fuck all of you. Merry fucking Christmas.
And a Merry Christmas to all of you, dear reader.