Guest Post: “My Dogs Might Have Gender Identity Disorders”

Hi gang!

Sorry for the blog silence lately. More insanity taking place outside here than I’d care to relay. Nothing bad, and nothing I can’t manage, but I won’t bore you with details.

At any rate, I’ve got another guest post for you, and it comes from Cassandra, who blogs at Her Name Was Cassandra. She runs a very honest and funny blog about herself and her writing process. As she puts it, “On Mondays, she writes about her book project, on Tuesdays, she writes about yoga, on Fridays, she writes about writing, and the rest is cynicism and hyperbole.”

Her guest post, “My Dogs Might Have Gender Identity Disorders,” is pretty funny, if you ask me. No, seriously, go ahead, ask me. As a dog owner, this guest post makes a lot of sense; I’ve seen a lot of what Cassandra is describing in detail in the flesh. My dog can’t stay away from the cat litter. Mmm, yummy snacks! I think you’ll like this piece too.

Cassandra’s short and sweet bio: “Cassandra is a 23 year-old blogger who lives in an undisclosed location in Amurika. She enjoys making fun of herself, almost as much as she enjoys making fun of others.”

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My Dogs Might Have Gender Identity Disorders.

 

I have two dogs– Patty Mayonnaise and Dr. “Doug Funny” Pepper(mint). Patty is about a year older than Pepper- she’s approaching three. I’m a little concerned she might think that she’s a dude.

Pepper's had a decent amount of success at convincing Patty to be his pillow, too.

Pepper’s had a fair amount of success at getting Patty to be his pillow, too.

When they aren’t eating or sleeping or barking at random passersby (how DARE they walk by THIS HOUSE), my dogs spend a fair amount of their days play fighting with each other, as dogs do. They’ve always been pretty boisterous about this, and when Pepper was small, Patty used to let him “win”. However, recently I’ve noticed that Patty has been aggressively mounting and humping her baby brother, a move that Dr. Pepper never adopted. The weird part is that for the most part, Pepper is completely unfazed by this happening.

Now, I know this is going to sound cat-lady crazy, but I’m pretty sure that my dogs understand English, because I totally called Patty out for doing it like the Discovery Channel yesterday, and she made a noise that sounded like a sea lion having a temper tantrum, dismounted, and stared at me for a solid minute with her best Interview Oprah face.

Oprah is disappointed in your choice of words.

Oprah is disappointed in your choice of words.

So at that point my one dog was looking at me like a teenager who just got told she wasn’t allowed to go to prom, and the other dog was chewing on his foot (Pepper’s a little slow). And  then I started to feel guilty about telling Patty off, so I sat down with her and explained that I still loved her no matter what life choices she decided to make and that if she wanted to act like a boy dog, I would support her, and she made a loud snorty huff sound and kind of buried her head into my chest as I told her that it didn’t matter whether or not she had a wee-wa, but it was the inside that counted.

I that that was the point in our conversation when my mom walked in and asked me why I was talking to Patty about wee-was, and I started laughing because I totally got Mom to use the word wee-wa and apparently I have the mentality of a 7 year old, and then I realized I’d just had a sex and gender identity talk with my dog. 

I looked it up and I guess that dogs just use humping as a sign of dominance, whether they are male or female, but the next time she did it we totally had a moment where she looked at me like thanks for approving of my chosen identity Mom. And I may be cat-lady crazy, but man I feel like an understanding parent.

Anyhow, I guess the moral of the dog is that dogs are awesome and stupid things make them happy, and also maybe that dogs are awesome because stupid things make them happy. And if humping Pepper makes Patty happy, I guess that’s pretty okay with me.

I just wish that Pepper was more into humping things than eating cat poop out of a litter box.

Sigh.

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