Guest Post: CONTEST! Who Will Write The Next ‘Robert Langdon’ Adventure? YOU! (By Ensis)

The next guest blog is a rather unique guest post, in that it’s both really inventive and it requires reader participation. It comes to us courtesy of Ensis, who wrote this entire guest blog post based upon my takedown of Dan Brown’s writing style; Ensis put together a MadLib-style parody of a Dan Brown novel, and had so much fun doing it, he’s now turned it into a contest. And here’s where the reader participation comes in. The reader that comes up with the best Dan Brown-style MadLib wins a copy of Dan Brown’s newest paint-by-numbers epic, Inferno. More details about the contest below, but you should definitely participate. Hell, I’m definitely going to throw my hat into the ring in this contest, even if I think Dan Brown’s writing is a sign of the Apocalypse.

A little bit about Ensis, before we get started: Ensis is the author of Don’t Read, a book blog which encourages readers to avoid bad books. He is also a seven time winner of National Novel Writing month and enjoys editing his novels a little too much…

Alright, here goes. Have fun with this one, gang!

CONTEST! Who Will Write The Next ‘Robert Langdon’ Adventure? YOU!

By Ensis

Do you want to be as successful a writer as Dan Brown? How about a free copy of his new book, Inferno, with some neat amateur art? Well now you can!
Everybody knows Dan Brown uses a formula to write his books, and who can blame him? Everybody loves Mad Libs! Fill in the blanks of the Mad Lib form below with your funniest Robert Langdon Adventure and post it as a comment or email it to me! The funniest story wins!
The prize is a brand new hardbound copy of Inferno by Dan Brown. And, to sweeten the deal, I will draw a doodle of your choosing on a blank page inside. Once the winner is chosen and the prize claimed, I will buy the book, draw in it, then ship it. The winning story will also be featured in a blog post and have their site linked to, if applicable.
I will add some samples of my art later so the winner can get a feel for my style. I’m best at dinosaurs, but I can also do birds and dragons.
Now some rules!
1. Standard MadLib Rules apply.
2. Deadline is June 30th. Judging period is one week.
3. One entry per person, please!
4. I will draw whatever you ask. ANYTHING.
5. Winner has one week to claim the prize.
6. You must follow my blog. Because seriously, why would you not want to?
Hit the jump to find everything you need to enter the contest. 
Now get writing!

Choose words using this guide:
Robert Langdon awoke in (CITY NAME) and began (INSIPID ACTIVITY). He then met (FEMALE PROTAGONIST), and he could tell by her (VAGUE DESCRIPTION) she was (ADJECTIVE1). 
“Oh, no!” she exclaimed. “Here comes The (SECRET SOCIETY)! They’re out to get (MACGUFFIN) and have us killed by (MYSTERY ASSASSIN WHO IS A CHARACTER WE’VE KNOWN ALL ALONG)! Let’s hurry into that nearby (HISTORIC LANDMARK)!” As Langdon ran with (AFOREMENTIONED FEMALE CHARACTER) he checked the face of his Mickey Mouse [TM] watch. 
“Crap! Is it (TIME OF DAY) already? We’ve only got (NUMBER OF PAGES REMAINING IN BOOK) hours until the (MACGUFFIN) is triggered and (INTRANSITIVE, PRESENT TENSE VERB)!” At last they reached the (AFOREMENTIONED LANDMARK) and hid beneath a (HISTORIC OBJECT) where there was a secret passage. Leaving the (AFOREMENTIONED ASSASSIN) outside the convenient passage, Langdon and his sex object waddled along the passage. Admiring her (PORTION OF FEMALE ANATOMY), Langdon reflected on how much he’d like to (VERB1) his new sidekick, but then remembered his life of bachelorhood, which he keeps telling everyone is his choice. 
When they’d reached the other end of the tunnel, Langdon’s cell phone rang. It was (ESTABLISHMENT FIGURE WHO MIGHT ACTUALLY BE THE BAD GUY BUT MIGHT NOT). 
“Yello?” Langdon answered.
“Langdon! It’s me,” he (NEEDLESS SYNONYM FOR ‘SAID’1). “It turns out, based on my calculations in (BULLSHIT PSEUDOSCIENCE) that the (MACGUFFIN) will (VERB2) us all unless you can figure out the secret code to unlock it, which was engraved on the (LANDMARK).” 

“I’ve got it!” Langdon (NEEDLESS SYNONYM FOR ‘SAID’2). “That (NOUN1) carving on the front of the (AFOREMENTIONED LANDMARK)!”
“What about it?” (FEMALE PROTAGONIST) asked.
“Everybody thinks it’s the unversal symbol for (ACTIVITY). But according to ancient (EXTINCT CULTURE)’s belief from which this symbol originated, it’s actually the universal symbol of (ESOTERIC CONCEPT)!”
“(EXCLAMATION)!” shouted (FEMALE PROTAGONIST). Langdon turned to see she was now pinned by (AFOREMENTIONED ASSASSIN), who was pointing a (NOUN2) at her neck, as though threatening to spill her (CLUMSY METAPHOR FOR BLOOD) all over the pavement of (AFOREMENTIONED CITY NAME).
“Thanks for solving the puzzle, (DEROGATORY EPITHET)!” (ASSASSIN) said. “But you fell right into my (ADJECTIVE2) trap!” He pointed the (AFOREMENTIONED NOUN HE WAS HOLDING) at Langdon. In an Instant Langdon fell on the ground, apparently dead. Then (ASSASSIN) took off his (DISGUISE). 
“It’s (CHARACTER NAME WE MAY OR MAY NOT RECOGNIZE)! Why didn’t I realize it sooner?!” Then she used her (MARTIAL SKILL SHE SHOULD HAVE USED EARLIER) to incapacitate (ASSASSIN) while he was distracted. 
Langdon got up, dusted himself off, and said, “Good thing I only pretended to be dead!” Together he and (FEMALE) seized the (MACGUFFIN) and disarmed it. 
“I would have gotten away with it, too,” said (ASSASSIN), “If it wasn’t for you meddling (PLURAL AGE GROUP)!”
“Well now that’s over, let’s (METAPHOR FOR SEX),” said (FEMALE). 
“Okay!” Langdon (NEEDLESS SYNONYM FOR ‘SAID’3). And they (PAST TENSE VERB) back to (LANDMARK). 

2 thoughts on “Guest Post: CONTEST! Who Will Write The Next ‘Robert Langdon’ Adventure? YOU! (By Ensis)

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